So it’s that time of year when people are reflected on the last twelve months, offering round up blog posts and colourful infographics. Condensing 365 days into a few headlines.
I started 2013 denying to myself that I was depressed. I fought against admitting it for months. I discovered the Women’s Holiday Centre, Horton. I gave in to the part of my mind that couldn’t cope with the idea that depression had found me again. I had one of the worst pain months of my life. I hurt myself. I summoned everything I had to contact the employee counselling service who told me I needed too much help for them to see me. I limited my food. I returned to Horton and time in the sun gave me what I needed to see my GP. I was referred to mental health support who refused to see me because of my pain condition. I stopped eating. I was no longer crying in toilets at work. I no longer spent my evenings sobbing into my sofa. I had been denied the help I needed so I treated myself with starvation. I was numbed, it worked. I reached a point of no return. I had relinquished control to the tool I was using to stay in control. I let people know where my head was. I returned once more to Horton. I am here. I am trying to fight.
I know that 2013 hasn’t all been about my mental health. It feels like it has. It feels like it’s been a shadow overpowering everything else. I know there were picnics in the park and pots of tea drunk with friends but they feel like they happened to another person. I can see images but I don’t recall being there.
Instead of looking back on the year that has passed, maybe we’d be better looking forward, to the possibilities that are ahead.