So it’s that time of year when people are reflected on the last twelve months, offering round up blog posts and colourful infographics.  Condensing 365 days into a few headlines.

I started 2013 denying to myself that I was depressed.  I fought against admitting it for months.  I discovered the Women’s Holiday Centre, Horton.  I gave in to the part of my mind that couldn’t cope with the idea that depression had found me again.  I had one of the worst pain months of my life.  I hurt myself.  I summoned everything I had to contact the employee counselling service who told me I needed too much help for them to see me.  I limited my food.  I returned to Horton and time in the sun gave me what I needed to see my GP.  I was referred to mental health support who refused to see me because of my pain condition.  I stopped eating.  I was no longer crying in toilets at work.  I no longer spent my evenings sobbing into my sofa.  I had been denied the help I needed so I treated myself with starvation.  I was numbed, it worked.  I reached a point of no return.  I had relinquished control to the tool I was using to stay in control.  I let people know where my head was.  I returned once more to Horton.  I am here.  I am trying to fight.

I know that 2013 hasn’t all been about my mental health.  It feels like it has.  It feels like it’s been a shadow overpowering everything else.  I know there were picnics in the park and pots of tea drunk with friends but they feel like they happened to another person.  I can see images but I don’t recall being there.

Instead of looking back on the year that has passed, maybe we’d be better looking forward, to the possibilities that are ahead.


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