Off topic part 3

5 things I learned in 2013 and will endeavour to remember in 2014

  1. I have amazing friends.  The kind of friends who will travel miles to help me move house, who will clean my old flat, who will help me tell my manager what’s going on, who support me despite living on the opposite side of the world.  Where my family fail, my friends succeed.
  2. It is important to me that I keep learning.  It helps keep my mind busy and I really enjoy it.  I’m already signed up to various Future Learn courses.
  3. I (re)learnt to knit right at the end of 2013 and whilst I still need to figure out pacing and not breaking myself, I’m finding it enjoyable.  I’m also better at it than last time I tried!
  4. Keeping a notebook for quotes, poetry, art etc helps me be creative on a regular basis without overwhelming me.
  5. I can still write and writing doesn’t have to be destructive.

*trigger warning – ed*

But despite that, my head is still in a bad place.  I have an amazing holiday in 6 weeks and I want to enjoy it and be healthy and fit enough to get the most out of it.  I had said I was going to maintain my weight at x stone and I sort of managed for a couple of weeks.  I had a few reasonably good days where I really pushed myself.  Then I went backwards.  Even pushing myself at the moment I’m even close to eating enough and my head has changed the weight I want to maintain.  Obviously this isn’t good but I feel less depressed and less anxious when I am in control of food.  On the days I was pushing myself I was back to being on the verge of tears a lot of the time.  And the stupid thing is, on the days when I’m doing better, I feel like I’m making up the problem.  I feel like I could snap out of it if I tried.  And that makes me feel like I’m doing this for attention, I’m being a drama queen.  And I know that’s my mother’s voice speaking and that it isn’t true but she’s managed to get that message into the very core of my being and I can’t shake it.

This time next week I will have been interviewed for a promotion, I will either have the job or a new manager, I will have seen the OT and psych people at the pain clinic and I’ll be sitting with someone from the employee counselling service.  They may or may not continue to help me.  I have been prewarned that they may very well refer me elsewhere.

I feel like I have lost the ability to fight.

So instead of preparing for my interview, I am going to continue to sit on my sofa and watch dvds.

2 thoughts on “Off topic part 3”

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