Off Topic – Part 4

I was going to sit and write about where my mental health treatment is up to.  Treatment is probably not the right word.  Treatment suggests that someone is doing something.  I also draw a blank about where to start.  For months I have been sending up flares, trying to get help from healthcare providers.  I have friends who are supportive but I need more than they can offer.  I need someone else.  Someone who knows what they are doing with this.
I’ve tried to map things out to outline my journey.  Partly for myself.  Partly because I keep getting asked to retell my story so that the next person can give me a piece of the jigsaw.  I feel like I’m getting to a point where I have enough jigsaw pieces to get a feel for where I’m heading.  This doesn’t sound like much but it’s been a lot of struggling to get that much.  Apparently I still need a few more jigsaw pieces before I can actually get help.  Instead of where I am at the moment which is getting help so that I can get help.
Winter 2012 – Began to feel depressed
Spring 2013 – I approached employee counselling who refused to see me because I was too complicated
May 2013 – GP referred me to the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) who refused to see me because I have chronic pain and suggested the pain clinic.
June 2013 – GP prescribed antidepressants and referred me to the pain clinic
Summer 2013 – I stopped eating and successfully numbed my feelings.
December 2013 – I saw the pain clinic for an initial appointment.
January 2014 – Pain clinic carried out their assessment and my manager convinced employee counselling to see me
February 2014 – Pain clinic concluded that I need to see CMHT or an eating disorder specialist and advised the GP of this.  Employee counselling decided that as they can only offer short term help they wouldn’t go near the food stuff and would instead focus on mindfulness.
March 2014 – My GP said I weigh too much for an eating disorder specialist.  Occupational Health told me that if I was their patient I would have been signed off work as my BMI is too low.  Employee counselling wrote to my GP to express her concerns and discharged me as there isn’t anything helpful they can really do at this time.
I have managed to slowly increase what I am eating but I’m still not eating enough to maintain my weight although if I don’t there’s a very real chance I’ll end up off work sick which I don’t want.  There’s also a higher chance of death.  I wish that scared me.  (I’m not suicidal but I don’t know that I’d move out the way of a car).  What I am currently eating is resulting in stomach cramps, back pain and nausea.  This isn’t a brilliant incentive to keep pushing.  It also feels like if I maintain/increase my weight I won’t be able to access the treatment that I know I need.
I am physically and mentally exhausted.
Returning to the purpose of this blog, I haven’t written anything this month.
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