[Trigger warning: Sexual abuse]
I’ve started and restarted this blog post in my head so many times that you’d think it would be easy when I came to sit down and write it. But it isn’t. For my own recovery and to move forward, I need to make something public.
When I was 14, I was sexually abused.
And I didn’t tell anyone.
And the second part of that makes me feel utterly, horrifically ashamed. I am scared that he’s done it to someone else and I could have stopped it. And this shame is the reason why I’ve never really talked about it to anyone. Or processed it.
The reality is that I had no one to tell and he was a family friend which means telling the police would have meant my mum getting involved somewhere. Our relationship is, and was, such that she wouldn’t have believed me; she would have invalidated everything I was feeling and told me I was making it up. Which would have destroyed me. More than the abuse itself. And I think it was actually the scars from my relationship with my mother which made me vulnerable to the abuse in the first place.
I think that’s probably enough words for today.
Help if you have been sexually abused or raped:
- York: Survive are a local charity. Bridge House is a Sexual Assault Referral Centre
- UK: Rape Crisis support women and have a helpline and lots of information on their website. Survivors UK provide support for men.
You are not to blame, it is never your fault.