[Trigger warning: Sexual abuse]

If you aren’t feeling safe to read this, please don’t.  If you are looking for dry sarcasm, try this post instead.  If you are looking for kittens, check out google.

I’ve started and restarted this blog post in my head so many times that you’d think it would be easy when I came to sit down and write it.  But it isn’t.  For my own recovery and to move forward, I need to make something public.

When I was 14, I was sexually abused.

And I didn’t tell anyone.

And the second part of that makes me feel utterly, horrifically ashamed.  I am scared that he’s done it to someone else and I could have stopped it.  And this shame is the reason why I’ve never really talked about it to anyone. Or processed it.

The reality is that I had no one to tell and he was a family friend which means telling the police would have meant my mum getting involved somewhere.  Our relationship is, and was, such that she wouldn’t have believed me; she would have invalidated everything I was feeling and told me I was making it up.  Which would have destroyed me.  More than the abuse itself.  And I think it was actually the scars from my relationship with my mother which made me vulnerable to the abuse in the first place.

I think that’s probably enough words for today.

Help if you have been sexually abused or raped:

  • York: Survive are a local charity. Bridge House is a Sexual Assault Referral Centre
  • UK: Rape Crisis support women and have a helpline and lots of information on their website. Survivors UK provide support for men.

You are not to blame, it is never your fault.

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