When sex hurts: Sex and chronic pain

The post is looking at when sex exacerbates existing non sex related pain rather than pain caused purely by sex.  Although not discussed here, changes to appearance, self esteem etc will all impact on your psychological wellbeing which can then impact on your sex life.

Chronic pain can be distracting, it hurts obviously and it can impact heavily on your life. Including your sex life…  Being in pain all the time does not make you (or at least me) feel sexy.

I wanted to do a post specifically about pain because I think the impact pain has on sex can be different to other disabilities. My first point would be to talk to your doctors… However,  I know that that isn’t always all that helpful… indeed, the NHS seems a bit lacking for in depth support…  (but yay, they have something, I guess)

I don’t have a magic wand to make sex with chronic pain easier but having sex can help with the pain so it’s worth a try, right?!  Orgasms cause endorphins to flood your body which helps with pain relief.

In no particular order, here’s some things to consider:

  • Communication – talk to your partner, its ok to be worried about the impact of sex on your pain, particularly if you’ve been avoiding it. Talk about where the pain is worse right now, should your partner avoid touching parts of you today etc
  • A lot of conditions fluctuate, make sure your partner understands this; being able to do something one day doesn’t mean you can do it the next.
  • Plan ahead. Unlike the movies, sex doesn’t always have to be spontaneous.  There are so many reasons why that doesn’t work such as children, working unusual hours, carers etc.  And if it helps, you can try and schedule in some rest time before hand and recovery time afterwards.
  • Find out what the best time of day is for you in terms of low pain, higher energy levels and higher libido
  • If being touched is painful (or even if it isn’t!), use none contact ways to arouse each other eg sexting, phone sex, talking flirty or dirty, mutual masturbation, pornography, erotic literature or try light touch such as feathers and silk
  • Massage is another way of being intimate, just be careful with painful joints, muscles etc
  • If your hands are in pain, try using your tongue
  • Warming the bed beforehand eg with an electric blanket may ease some of your pain
  • Sex toys might be easier for you and your partner
  • Cushions – well placed cushions can be invaluable! Think propping up hips etc
  • Where are you having sex? Would your wheelchair or riser recliner chair or electronic bed be more comfortable or in the water?
  • There’s also the impact of pain meds, they can decrease your libido, and you need to make sure you are on the right meds for you at the right dosage. If your pain isn’t controlled at all then of course sex will be harder
  • If your partner is your carer and you need help getting changed or into position, maybe you could ask someone else to get you ready or make the care into the foreplay.
  • Go long and slow or short and sweet, whatever works better for you
  • Have a think about what positions are best depending on where your pain is etc
  • Try not to stay in the same position for a long time if this causes you pain
  • Depending on where things are in your sex life, go back to basics with date nights, flirting, kisses, holding hands, cuddles…
  • Muscle relaxants, a warm bath, massage, a glass of wine might all aid things by relaxing you and your muscles
  • If something doesn’t feel good, say something.  Don’t assume your groans are conveying the right message! Maybe even have a safe word or be clear that stop means stop right away.
  • Use Google, look up good sex positions for ehlers danlos or whatever you have
  • edited to add, lube, lube is good

None of this is going to be a quick and easy solution unfortunately…

I’d really like to hear from you if you’ve got any more tips.

I’d also suggest popping over to The Hippy Geek who has joined two beds together so she can have an adjustable bed and still share a bed with her husband which I think is awesome*!

*be in no doubt here, as awesome as the idea is, if you ever end up in a relationship with me, you’ll be in the spare room! I love my double bed and all it’s very specifically arranged accessories and I’m not giving up my middle of the night internet for anyone!

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