My eating disorder, like most, was caused by a lot of different factors; a history of depression, a lack of coping mechanisms, a fear of feeling emotions etc. But it was also caused by not knowing what to do with power.
When my eating disorder started I was rising through the ranks at work, I was heavily involved in running a feminist network and reading group, I was living alone, I was financially independent, I was embracing my sexuality.
All should have been great. But I had no idea how to sit with that. I was unable to embrace my personal power. This could be for many reasons including poor self worth and the patriarchy.
I retreated from my power.
I rejected my power.
I got myself into a situation where I no longer had any power.
My eating disorder took my power and at the time I was grateful. I didn’t want it. I didn’t know what to do with it. The eating disorder then used the power it took from me against me. It controlled me and imprisoned me. It used my power to hurt me, to try and kill me.
But now, I am opening my arms to my power.
I am embracing it.
I am seeking it out.
For me, this means being me.
All of me.
This means embracing all the different parts of me; the maths graduate, the feminist, the writer, the tarot reader, the slightly spiritual woo woo me who’s been waiting a long time to get any space, the poet, the artist, the activist, the photographer, the disabled me, the fighter…