What are your walls made of?

The eight of swords very much sums up where I am.  I have surrounded myself with walls to block out the pain until the walls themselves have caused me pain.

My unhelpful CPN (community psychiatric nurse) keeps telling me to just let myself feel.  And obviously if it was as easy as that I would do so.  I know numbing myself off from my feelings is bad for me.

Then I came across a more helpful question this week:

What are your walls made of?

For me, I think they are made from the fear of feeling worthless, depressed, emotional pain… I don’t think they are so much about keeping people out as they are about keeping stuff (feelings, memories, thoughts) out.  Keeping people out is a byproduct.

“I have a deep fear of being too much,

That one day I will find my someone, and they will realize that I am a hurricane.

That they will step back and be intimidated by my muchness.”

Michelle K

I think they are made from a fear of my power, my authentic full self. I guess the way in school, I always held back my intelligence because it wasn’t a good idea to show it and a part of me is always moderating myself to stop other people from getting hurt or embarrassed etc.  I make myself small to make other people more comfortable.  And the walls are one way that I do that.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you.

– Marianne Williamson

Time and time again, things return to the idea of reclaiming my personal power, even in unlikely places.

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2 thoughts on “What are your walls made of?”

  1. I was going to ask if you had read any Marianne Williamson – I read a Return to Love after my walls not only crumbled but the foundations they were built on were totally destroyed (cue depression, therapies… and generally trying to get my shiz together for 3 years and counting.)

    My walls were made in putting others before myself I think. As a way of hiding my pain and deflecting attention I was always putting myself last and dismissing myself, until in the end someone I trusted with a lot of my time and attention let me down in an irreparable way that broke everything I thought I stood for. That book reminded me that I was important and worthy of love – from myself more than anyone else (even if she does talk about God a lot, I do like the psychological principles she talks about with perception and thinking).

    Perhaps, you don’t need to break your walls down, and you definitely don’t want them destroyed – just work on taking it apart brick by brick and rebuilding your safe place in a way that works and benefits you. I’ve had to start mine from the beginning and I’m still making mistakes now and trying to rebuild things that didn’t work the first time around, but I guess its better to work on it consistently and make it work for me rather than have it work against me.

    p.s. I love the 8 of swords in the lumina!

    1. I’ve only read quotes but will have a look at her writings. It sounds like a tough journey and it sounds like self would be a good choice of words. Good point about not wanting walls destroyed, they have a protective function when managed better, they just need lowering a bit!

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