The eight of swords very much sums up where I am. I have surrounded myself with walls to block out the pain until the walls themselves have caused me pain.
My unhelpful CPN (community psychiatric nurse) keeps telling me to just let myself feel. And obviously if it was as easy as that I would do so. I know numbing myself off from my feelings is bad for me.
Then I came across a more helpful question this week:
What are your walls made of?
For me, I think they are made from the fear of feeling worthless, depressed, emotional pain… I don’t think they are so much about keeping people out as they are about keeping stuff (feelings, memories, thoughts) out. Keeping people out is a byproduct.
“I have a deep fear of being too much,
That one day I will find my someone, and they will realize that I am a hurricane.
That they will step back and be intimidated by my muchness.”
I think they are made from a fear of my power, my authentic full self. I guess the way in school, I always held back my intelligence because it wasn’t a good idea to show it and a part of me is always moderating myself to stop other people from getting hurt or embarrassed etc. I make myself small to make other people more comfortable. And the walls are one way that I do that.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you.
– Marianne Williamson
Time and time again, things return to the idea of reclaiming my personal power, even in unlikely places.