Insert your own swallowing pun here

trigger warning for anorexia and eating disorders

So, having developed POTS earlier in the year, I now find myself with severely worsened swallowing issues…

Partly this post is so I don’t have to repeat myself but partly it’s also a grumble.  EDS is the gift that keeps on giving.  And just when you’ve got used to one new symptom, bang, there’s another one.

The health issue

I’ve had trouble swallowing for years but never particularly severely.  Mostly it’d be a feeling of a lump in my throat or difficulty swallowing saliva.  Then a year and a half ago I started having trouble with tablets coming back up.  Not often so it took a few months till I went to the dr.  She tried me on PPIs thinking it was silent reflux.  They made it a lot lot worse.  I went from bringing up tablets once a week to once a day. And it didn’t matter what shape or type the tablet was.

I was then referred to ENT.  By the time I saw them I’d managed to regurgitate a lot of juice in the middle of the night, a scary time.  ENT then stuck a camera up my nose and declared there was some redness, probably from silent reflux.  They gave me a really awful printed advise sheet which was full of common sense and nothing I wasn’t already doing…

Then came an appointment with a lovely speech and language person who declared my swallow is slow to get started and a bit weak.  She couldn’t help me with regurgitation issues because the speech and language team only deal with things going down.  She looked into what to do next with me.

Somewhere along the way I also had a barium swallow test which came back fine.

Then, two months ago, I woke up one morning and everything fell apart.  Suddenly I couldn’t swallow most foods without regurgitation, my tablets became a battle and even some drinks flew out the window.  What I have been left with is a strange menu of small portions of dairy free cauliflower cheese (cauliflower cut up super small), gnocchi and grated cheese (but only 8 pieces of gnocchi…) and ice cream.  Up until recently I could do white chocolate buttons (lower melting point than others), only 4, but that seems to be too much now.  I could also do apple juice if it was watered down by half.  Now I’m on a third apple juice to two thirds water and struggling.  I can do lucazade if it’s watered down with lemonade.  And I can do wine, which is probably not a great idea on the amount I’m eating but it’s also probably the main reason I’ve not lost more weight than I have…

I have gone from eating vaguely normally to an amount my anorexia likes and I have gone from drinking 6+ litres of fluid to less than 2 and my salt intake, which I need for controlling the POTS has inevitably dropped drastically…

Thankfully I had a gastro appointment six weeks into the troubles and the dr has been really helpful, or at least he listened well and took note of what I was saying.  Unfortunately there aren’t many options.  I’ve just tried one medication which hasn’t helped, may have made things worse and came with weird side effects.  I’m waiting to hear about a second med he wanted to try but it is a long shot.  And he didn’t want to talk about what happens after that…  Based on the options he ruled out, I can’t see anything other than feeding tubes ahead… Which is a hard thing to think about.

The social issue

A lot of socialising revolves around food but also, right now, i don’t have the energy or the mood to be people-ing much… which i also know is going to make my mood worse…

None of the foods I can eat are any good for eating outside the house because they either aren’t available or need cooking.  This means on the full day course I did recently and the day trip I took, I’ve had some nibbles of cheese, four buttons and glucose tablets to get me through.

There is also the aspect of having to repeat everything to people when I see them and having helpful suggestions made.  Which brings me onto my care.

The care issue

I know that my carers are doing what they’re doing primarily out of concern.  But they keep suggesting foods I should try, asking if they can tempt me into breakfast and telling me about the meals they’re going out for.  Some of this is because it’s hard to know how to help, in fact they can’t help, but some of it is thoughtlessness.

I have placed a huge sign in my kitchen asking people not to talk to me about food or my swallow unless it’s necessary or I bring it up – it seems to be being ignored…  Yes, I do want to grumble to my care team now and then as it’s a horrible situation and I’m annoyed.  But I don’t want to be asked if I’ve thought about soup/custard/blended food, especially when I’ve already explained that I can’t.  And I definitely don’t want to hear the details of your Christmas dinner, because mine is likely to suck.  Literally.

The mental health issue

And of course, within this all, we have the anorexia.  Which was in a good place mostly.  And I think anyone’s mental health would suffer in this situation.  Firstly, I’m not getting enough food and that’s bad for your mind, I’m not getting enough sleep either and I am so bored of the few foods I can eat.  Plus I’m really craving salty foods and cravings are tough to deal with.  And my only real experience of beating down cravings is anorexia…  When I am not experiencing disordered eating, I don’t limit what I eat or when I eat really…  Which actually reminds me that I’m not fully recovered from the anorexia because there are still lots of foods I won’t eat or aren’t comfortable with and I do limit quantity.

So that’s all fun, right?  I’m going to balance this out with a blog post about a new pretty oracle deck in a few minutes!

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A birthday in the house of Helen’s

Check back at other posts for context:

Coming up this week is the birthday of one of my Helens.  Hennie, the teenage-ish version who has a cat called Charlie, is the quietest and shyest of the house.  She has had a tough past and struggles a lot with identifying and meeting her own needs and is still getting used to being in a house full of love.  That’s all I’m going to say about her, she’s very private and wouldn’t like me much if I said much else.

However, she has no problem with me sharing a bit about how we’re planning on celebrating her birthday.  She is a Scorpio which places her birthday anytime between October 23 – November 21 this year and as I’m a pisces we figured we’d go for the time when the moon is in Pisces, that is 29th to 31st October.  This year that means we’ll be going for Tuesday although ideally we’d have avoided Halloween…

When we first started talking about her birthday, she was clear it was to be a low key event, not surprisingly.  She wanted a bonfire, herbs burning and poetry.  Ideally outside and with only people she felt really comfortable with.  A bit more chatting and she thought maybe storytelling would be nice too, hopefully the story of Ceridwen.  And a private tarot reading, just the two of us.

How this translates is not always an easy matter.  I can’t have a bonfire for example.  But we’re having candles, incense and mulled wine or mulled apple juice.  Ideally there would be lots of nice autumny food as well but I’m having trouble swallowing at the moment…

Whilst this isn’t a Samhain celebration, it does drawn on elements of the fire festival.  Hennie inhabits a liminal space between light and dark and can find herself in either very quickly, more so the darkness.  And this has been a darkness that has caused us both a great deal of anxiety and fear which makes this time of year a great chance to transform and reframe it.

Death and darkness are important, they are necessary parts of the cycle of rest, regeneration and rebirth.  As I wrote about in my post on the bear spirit card, we all have periods of activity and inactivity, of light and dark, of external and internal and we can benefit a lot from seeing them both as important and not fight against them.

Instead of battling the darkness, we can use it as a time to dream and ponder and plant seeds for the year ahead.  We can be rejuvenated by this period and be thankful for the space to rest and nurture ourselves and our ideas.

“Increasing darkness and cold means we must accept that winter is fast approaching and we must adjust to this changing season.  Leaves have fallen off the trees, birds have migrated, animals have gone into hibernation, and frosts have come.  It is a time of death and decay, death of the cold, and within this, knowledge of rebirth.  It is a time of forced adjustments that, once accepted, reveal a new set of possibilities, a new phase, a new power to life.” 
– Glennie Kindred

Right now, for me, forced adjustments seem very much present and seem also like they’re here to stay…

We will embrace this time of year as a chance to go into our unconscious self, to heal and to renew ourselves.  To incubate our potential and keep ideas and dreams safe until the winter months are over.  It is a time to go back to our roots, to plant seeds and to accept that life comes from death.

We will be looking at the year that has passed, the gifts it has bought, the sorrows we’ve seen and looking ahead, making wishes and dreaming.

We might use leaves to embody those things we want to let go, burning them as we release the past.

We will be trying to incorporate elder, a plant of regeneration and renewal as well as feminine power.  And apples, as Hel’s apples represent a journey to the land of death and rebirth.  We’ll also be using some spices, cinnamon feels appropriate, a firey spice for the cold winter months and ginger, another firey spice which grows underground.  If my eating was better, I’d be including some seeds here as well.

The tarot spread we’ll be doing will have three cards which will roughly correspond to:

  1. The past, the underworld, things which are hidden
  2. The present, now, material things
  3. The future, the otherworld, possibilities and direction

Wish her happy birthday and I hope winter treats you all well!

Tipping the balance 

Yesterday was the autumn equinox. The day when night is as long as day. From today until March, days will be shorter than night.

Yesterday, I did a tarot reading. A four card draw with no particular question. The cards I drew were very relevant to how I feel about this time of year.

 

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There are two cards, the six of cups and the hermit, which are both about the unseen, about going within, about going underground.  They echo the turning of the season, the way nature is closing in and hibernating and plants are losing their leaves and focusing on their roots.

In a lot of tarot decks, the six of cups is about childhood, nostalgia, naïve happiness, and generosity but this has never been a meaning that has chimed with me.  Instead I choose to look at it from a different perspective, asking myself what fuels me, what brings me to life, what grounds me.  If you look at the image of the tree with it’s multi coloured roots, you’ll hopefully get a sense of what I mean.  Where other people look to childhood memories to make them happy, I chose to look at anything which makes me happy, which feeds my soul.

I love that this resonates with how I interpret the hermit card.  I feel that it’s about taking time out from other people’s thoughts and views and finding out what my own are.  As part of my nature and writing project, for example, I’m doing a lot of reading and learning and watching documentaries which is great and I love it.  But I need to ensure that there is space within that for me to mull over ideas, to form my own opinions and to draw together my beliefs.  We live in a world where we get a lot of external stimulation, we take in a lot of information every day and that’s great.  But we also need to balance it with internal stimulation and creating (in a very loose sense of the word) our own offerings.  We cannot just take from the world, we must also give.

There is also an aspect of balance in the 6 of cups – the outer world of the tree mirrors the inner world of the roots.  This reminds me strongly of the bear animal spirit card and the idea that there is a time for everything, but no time can be a time for everything.  A link I’ve shared quite a bit is one to Terri Windling’s blog post about bears and it feels so relevant here.

For [Terry Tempest] Williams, the bear embodies “opposing views, that we can be both fierce and compassionate at once. The bear is above ground in spring and summer and below ground, hibernating, in fall and winter — and she emerges with young by her side.

The winter months have always been a challenge for me. I love sunshine, dry weather and warmth… now, however, I am learning to appreciate winter’s stark gifts: it slows me down, turns my thoughts inward, keeps me closer to hearth and home, strengthening the introverted side of my nature, without which I couldn’t write or paint. I am learning at last to follow the bear; to trust in the process of hibernation and gestation. I am learning patience. Slowness. Stillness.

All things have their season. And spring always comes.

– Terri Wilding

That all things have their season is a pertinent reminder for those of us who struggle with winter and the darkness.  And this sentiment is echoed in the second half of my tarot reading with the Wheel of Fortune and the frog.

Both of these cards remind us that we live in cycles, like the bear, and we should embrace them rather than fight them.  You feel the turn of the circle more if you are battling to keep it still than if you go with the flow of it.  For me, this means accepting that winter means early nights and less activity and preparing for this.  So gathering documentaries I want to watch and books I want to read, in preparation for days when I don’t necessarily want to get out of bed or leave the house.

And both of these cards, in reminding us of the cycle of life, remind us too that as Terri says, spring always comes.

FOMO and chronic illness

It’s not a phrase I use, so in case you’re not familar with it, FOMO is the fear of missing out.

Meg, from That Hummingbird Life, sent out an email recently about FOMO:

Whether it’s feeling like we should have done things in the past, getting caught up in thinking we need to do/buy something because we’ll regret it if we don’t, or feeling like the odd one out, it’s fair to say we’ve all experienced it.

It’s something I’ve had to deal with, although I’m not sure I’ve been especially conscious of the process, because of my pain. There are obviously many things I can’t do and I have to be more choosy about what I do do. Which almost makes it easier because there are physical consequences to trying to do everything and I know I physically can’t do everything I want to do. One, probably less helpful, way I have dealt with it is by mentally blocking out things which aren’t an option. Most of the time I don’t think about me going on holiday, even when talking about other people’s holidays, because it’s probably not going to happen.

More helpfully, I sort of approach FOMO in terms of compersion or shepping naches. The first is a term used mostly in terms of poly relationships and the second is a Yiddish phrase. Both essentially mean getting pleasure from seeing someone else get pleasure. For compersion, this might be feeling all full of love when you see your partner is in love with their other partner. For the Yiddish, it seems to be used mostly for the pride or gratification that a parent/teacher/grandparent gets when they see their child enjoying themselves or achieving something.

This can be tricky, but for me it basically means that I don’t get jealous when someone is doing something awesome (well, I do sometimes…). I see it as something that is making them really happy and I am happy when my loved ones are happy. We are a very individualistic society and are socialised to think “I want that” when we see someone with something, even if we don’t actually want it. I think part of FOMO is tied into that. When someone is telling you about something brilliant they’ve done or are doing, a part of us leaps to I want that or I should want that or I should do that. By doing this, we miss the awesomeness of just basking in the glow of someone who feels great.

Maybe my thought process might help explain..

Person A: I have just been on a great holiday…
Person B: Oh, I’m so jealous, I really want/need a holiday (this may be said, thought or internalised somehow)
Person C: Oh that’s great but shit, I should be going on holiday/wanting to go on holiday/all my friends love travelling what’s wrong with me…
Person D: Brilliant, tell me more about it, I’d love to hear the details and see some pics (might have a moment of longing or holiday lust but goes back to listening to person A and living the experience through them. I want to say living vicariously but that, to me, has negative connotations.)

Person B and C are probably going to experience a bit of FOMO and think they should be going on holiday and possibly to the same part of the world because A had a great time and they want to join in.

Person D is getting the magic of A retelling the adventure and seeing A smile and engaging with A. Person D is experiencing something different to the holiday itself but it’s still it’s own magic. Person D, for whatever reason, hasn’t got bogged down in what they don’t have or aren’t doing. They are focusing on what they do have which is a great friend who’s wanting to share, rather than what they don’t or can’t have, namely a holiday.

Person D is probably more like a parent filled with delight when their child comes home from school full of excitment about their spelling test going well and having a great time playing with their friends and having been invited to someone’s house for tea for the first time.

We are so socialised into needing everything for ourselves that when we hear about something we can’t be part of, we sulk and we kick off. Not because we want the thing, but because we are conditioned to want everything, especially if someone else has it and we don’t.

I think, for me, the other important aspect of how I approach FOMO is prioritising! I have limited energy and know that if I do something on monday, I need to rest on Tuesday etc. I have no choice. If I ignore this and book something in monday and tuesday, tuesday’s thing will probably end up a write off. So I have to figure out what I want to do most, and this is helpful in living authentically anyway. So I’m faced with x and y, which initially I want to go to both of. But then I stop and think and maybe x is more interesting or y is similar to something I’ve done recently or actually, I didn’t want to do y but I felt I should. X is the winner! And I will enjoy x a lot more than if I tried to do x and y because I would break myself doing both and would spend all of x worrying about how I would get through y. Essentially, I do fewer things but with more heart. The same goes for friends, I go for quality over quanitity both in terms of the actual people and the way I spend time with them.

And if there’s something that you do really want to do, do it. Or find a way to bring it into your life. Or do bits of it. Like if we’re talking about a party, go for the first hour, really throw yourself into it and then head home. Basically, slow down and think about what you actually want. And be grateful for the things that you do experience. And change your viewpoint. Instead of thinking a half day trip is stupid and not anywhere near as good as a two week holiday, make it a big deal if it’s a big deal for you. Take photos, treat yourself to something as a reminder, make a collage afterwards etc. Treat it with the same respect as a holiday.

I used to spend entire days by the sea, long day trips that I loved. As my pain got worse, I couldn’t cope with it anymore and got grumpy with myself when I had to leave after a few hours. I ended up ruining half day trips with dreams and longings for full day trips. Over time I realised I was shooting myself in the foot and started to let go of what I used to be able to do and focus instead on making sure my shorter trips were great in themselves. I had to stop comparing them to my full days and instead begin treating them as something in their own right. I no longer try and do everything I want to but instead I focus on what I want to do most and enjoy it for itself.

There is no way round it, when you have a chronic illness, you are going to miss out on things. But by focusing on missing out, you miss out on what you can enjoy.

I’ve lost my edges…

There is a note in my diary reminding me that I want to write to Oh Comely!, a magazine which inspires hand written, decorative notes not personalityless emails.  The note says I want to respond to something I read and tell them about proprioception.  But the note is possibly a year old now and I have long passed the issue on to a friend.  All my magazines are passed on, turned into collages or left in public spaces for strangers to discover.

proprioceptive: Relating to stimuli that are produced and perceived within an organism, especially those connected with the position and movement of the body.
Example sentences
Origin: Early 20th century: from Latin proprius ‘own’ + receptive.

Oxford English Dictionary

Proprioception is the sense of where your body is.  It is how you know where your arms are when the lights are off.  How you can walk without having to constantly look at your feet.

If you have a huge growth spurt, your proprioception can be temporarily impaired which is why we see clumsy teenagers who don’t seem to fit in their body.  That said, for most people, most of the time proprioception just ticks over in the background.

For people with certain conditions, including EDS, proprioception doesn’t function as well as it should.

I wake in the night, slowly coming back to myself from my dream world.  Before I can rouse myself enough to move, I lay still, figuring out my body.  I may not have an arm right now for all I know.  I’m trying to puzzle out where my left hand is.  I know there is a hand on top of a hand because of the feedback from my splints.  I’m awake enough now to summon up the energy to move that arm which may no longer exist.  How I can move a limb when I don’t know where it is boggles my mind.  It doesn’t take too much movement before I figure out where it is and my arm reattaches itself to my body map.

For me, this is not an unusual night.  My sense of where my body is is not consistent.  Some days I have a better idea than others.  To someone not used to it, waking up “missing” an arm might be scary, for me it’s normal and I can quickly reattach it.  I can’t always put my two fingers together, end to end, without looking.  There are certain muscles that I can’t tense because I can’t find them in my mind to send the messages.

My sense of myself seems to be less when I’m ill, when I’m tired, when I’m hormonal or worried or other states of vulnerability…

Perhaps the hardest to understand and hardest to cope with is when I “lose my edges”.  This mostly happens to my legs.  It is like I am spilling out into the world.  I no longer have skin containing me.  I have no boundaries.  I am the universe and the universe is me.  And I find that terrifying.  When I lose my edges, I kick my legs a lot, I fidget, I bang them against my bed.  I feel out of control and I feel unsafe and unsecure.  It feels like my nervous system is out of control pr non existent.  It is trying so hard to find my body that it is in overdrive.

Returning to the idea of a mental body map, I have lost the structure of my legs.  I know my legs are there and I have a vague sense of where they are but I don’t have any sense of where they end.  My body map, like the rest of me, has gone floppy and nebulous.  I merge and meld with the universe and it is terrifying.

One of the reasons this is so tough for me is that it feels a lot like the physical aspect of a panic attack or an asthma attack – the disconnect from your body that you experience when you aren’t getting enough oxygen.  The very feeling of this is enough to trigger an anxiety attack and it has taken me years to figure out that losing my edges and panic are not the same things, they just feel incredibly similar.

I don’t want this just to be a post trying to explain the sensation, although there is value in that alone.  I want to suggest my own ways of dealing with this in the hope that someone else can benefit.

I don’t have many ways of coping and would love to hear from others, but here we go:

  • There are some ideas on my post about grounding, including telling myself out loud that I am safe
  • A visualisation where I mentally wrap bandages around all my body, bit by bit
  • Blankets wrapped around me
  • Rubbing my limbs with hands, lotion or hairbrushes, anything to re-establish the boundaries
  • Stretching or, when possible, using weight based exercises to help eg arm curls with tins

More about proprioception:

International Tarot Day

Whoop!  I can’t believe I have only been into tarot for eighteen months or so.  It feels so much longer (in a good way).  As I’ve talked about before, I find them such a useful tool for self reflection and getting to know myself and hear myself.

I saw a post somewhere recently about why having a question in mind is important when you go for a reading.  For me, this is such a useful thing in itself.  It helps me clear my head, focus on and whittle down what it is that’s going on and in part, this is a helpful tool in itself.  To ask a question, you have to have a vague idea about what you’re feeling or thinking after all!

 

Ways I’ve been enhancing my understanding of tarot and deepening my readings have included guided visualisations, using oracle cards alongside them and looking at the astrological symbolism.

Each card has an astrological link and I’ve found these a helpful way to see further into the card.  There’s a lot of in depth info over on Virgo Vault (which goes way beyond my basic astrology knowledge but is still clear enough that if all you want is the sign, or sign and planet of a card, you can).  Labyrinthos has some nicely portrayed info about the Major Arcana.

I also use my tarot cards to do readings for, and to help me understand, my house of helens on a group and individual level.  And I have used them to kickstart story ideas.

A few posts on tarot you might want to check out, in no particular order:

The Chariot

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Please see the intro post first!  You may also be interested in my post about how I work with my house of helens.  If this is something you’d like to know more about, the approach I have developed is similar to psychosynthesis.

Whilst this post is a deeply personal reflection on my inner chariot, I am sharing it as some of this will be useful for tarot readers and for those of you who aren’t, it might provide some thinking points for reflecting on your own inner warrior.

“I know building a relationship with my inner warrior is important for me to work on. She is confident and surefooted. I feel I can trust her judgement and that it will be clear”
– Me, 2016

“Warrior of the heart, deeply rooted in love and fiery passion for life. She is aligned with truth; she fiercely rips away your masks and pretences; that which is not in service to love is exposed and brought into question. She is wide awake, totally alive and brings fire medicine, through our bodies, to awaken us to the present moment and the authentic action needed to realign us with our own truth and spirit. She has been demonised by the patriarchy which lives inside us all and so, to some, she may induce fear and loathing: if we are not safe with our own power then her power threatens us. There is truth in her demonisation because to suppress any energy so totally will only cause it to become distorted, like a ‘demon’ who wants attention and healing to be restored into balance. We might get burnt a few times while we tame our dragons but, if we lock them in a cage, they might just burn the whole house down.”
– Tabitha Chambers

The Chariot is associated with Cancer, the crab, and as such carries with her some of the traits of that sign.  In particular, and important to me, is the dual aspect of her.  She has a hard, tough shell which she shows the world but inside that she is vulnerable and loving and emotional.  She is a fighter, appearing emotionless and fierce. She is gentle and her heart overflows with feelings and yet these are pushed down so she can fight on and on until she burns out. She is intense and courageous and protective. The walls she puts up to go to battle can become permanent if she is not careful.  Remember to put down the shield from time to time, you cannot fight well if your arms are tired.

She is a warrior, a campaigner, an advocate, a world changer.  She is a powerful, potent, empowered creature who owns her sexuality.  She is wild, courageous and wilful.  She pushes against injustice and uses her strength to help others.

She needs to remind us over and over: Do not lose yourself in your passion for helping others.  And be cautious about over helping or over nurturing.  She means well but the Chariot is prone to stiffling, she feels it is easier to do the work herself, she wants to help but in doing the work for others, she robs them of the chance to develop those skills.  Empower but don’t takeover.  Run like the wild horse you are, but don’t drag others along with you.  They will journey if they decide it is right for them, and if they do, it has to be in their own time.  Take time to understand whether you run from something or toward something.  Whilst you are filled with forward focused momentum there is still time to pause.

She is determined and single minded and this can lead to a blinkered view of things.  Her intense focus on the task at hand can cause her to lose touch of the other things she values.  This can include neglecting her personal relationships which she doesn’t intend to do but her drive overpowers her and her cause is all she can think of.  This is another reason she is vulnerable to burning out.

She knows she must understand herself and explore herself before she can know and explore the world.  Until she has done this self development, she cannot be her most powerful when it comes to changing the world.  And she thrives on these focuses, self and world.  Without this direction, her overflowing power becomes something that controls her rather than her controlling it.  Without a project, she loses her sense of self, her empowered nature and becomes impatient and frustrated and lashes out at those around her.

She goes into battle for her chosen causes so that she can bring love to others.  She is a war goddess and she is a goddess of love.  She holds both, intertwined.  If you look at the Rider Waite Smith tarot card, you see the charioteer is steering two horses, perhaps one is war and the other love?  Other explanations have suggested one is the inner self and one the outer self which ties in neatly with the cancer metaphor.  Similarly for the conscious and subconscious minds.

“This is not a warrior of the fearless kind but rather a deeper feminine warrior who feels fear and can meet it. She is able to experience all emotions in their purest form, bringing them through her heart in service to love, no matter how difficult. Fire burns in her psyche, aiding courage and bringing clarity to her thoughts, actions and words – she knows when to say yes or no, defining and protecting her boundaries, creating a safe structure to support the phases to come. Warrior woman is responsible, she keeps her commitments, she creates life for us based on freedom of choice, she stops us from taking and enduring other people’s nonsense, she gives voice to our truths and she connects us to the earth through her pure wild nature.”
– She Who Knows

If we look at her in context, she follows the lovers card.  Where the lovers are pulled by their emotions, their lusts and their desires like adolescents in the midst of hormones, the chariot controls her emotions.  Controls instead of being controlled by.  But after the Chariot comes the strength card.  Strength is neither controlling nor controlled by its emotions.  He is in harmony with them.  He feels them and releases them. He is the mature figure in emotional development.  We must remember that controlling our emotions is not the final stage of our journey.

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Many of the traits of my imaginary chariot are akin to those found in the wild unknown animal spirit horse card.  A card which closely resembles the chariot card.  Like the horse, my chariot cannot be tamed.  She cannot be controlled.  She will help me and she will work with me but she will not work for me.