Bird song and coronavirus

Some evenings the bird chatter – the kaa ka kas, the pep pip pips, the alarm calls- grate on me.  During the day I love hearing them and it grates on me that it grates on me and thus a vicious cycle spins on.

This is a new thing.  Normally I love hearing the birds as I settle into bed so I wanted to interrogate this, to try and understand what is going on.

My initial thoughts were about time of day; come evening, I am much more tired, and right now I am more likely to be fed up and despondent by the time I get into bed.  This is also the first time I am really alone in the day and I sink into my subconscious whirlings.  I don’t feel naturally aligned with appreciation, appreciation of anything, at this time of day.

I spend the day noticing and loving but by night I need distraction – tv, film, reading – something I can escape into.  And whilst the birds are incredible, they are inevitably out there in the world, right now.  And my mind will not let me forget that I am not, and will not let me forget that I am hearing them so much clearer because of the global pandemic. 

The birds do not give me the escape I need in this phase of my daily cycle.  Their caws and cacks instead pull me away from the fantasy world I plunge into and remind me that my escape is just an illusion.  That however hard I try, I am still living in a world with a virus that could kill me and the people I love.  A virus that has already killed. 

I am still living in a world where the reckless acts of strangers ignoring the rules could turn out to kill.  They could be carrying it, walking bombs waiting to be detonated.  I am still living in a world where disabled people are being devalued repeatedly in clumsy attempts to get through this crisis, where we are told we may not get the care we need to stay alive (1). And that now that able bodied people are stuck home too, suddenly technology can be used to meet up, to do courses. to offer talks online.  And suddenly working from home is perfectly possible.

The calls of the blackbird on the roof pulls me back into a world where people with a week or two of being stuck home under their belt, are suddenly experts on loving nature from home.  Despite their daily walks, possibly through countryside and woodland, and their good sized garden, they speak with the authority of a housebound disabled person who has lived this for years.  Our voices, those with lived experiences and expertise, are still not heard.  We are shouting and going unnoticed because we are disposable, literally right now.  Worthless.  Valueless. (2) 

I have shed many shackles since becoming disabled; the idea that my value is about my economic contribution and my productivity; that my self worth is tied to doing… Is the evening bird song grating against another shackle?  One where I cannot be a nature lover, or a nature writer, if I cannot always appreciate it and embrace it?(3)

The nightly scrabble and scramble of starlings on the feeder doesn’t seem as endearing as it did hours before.  And all that has changed is me.  I have moved through my day, and now I want to tune out the world, and all the noise that tries to tell me I am unimportant.  When the messages scream so loudly, so constantly, they cannot help but echo and reverberate around my soul.

By the time I get into bed, I need to escape.  I need to live in a different world or a different time.  And those birds that I love so deeply and dearly, peck through the bubble I am trying to build.

Come the dawn chorus, I am back to noticing, caring, loving and appreciating.

Notes

(1) A recent RIDC survey found 50% of people with care support needs are no longer receiving health or personal care visits to their home. Disabled people left off coronavirus vulnerable people list go without food. Ministers warned coronavirus bill threatens services for disabled people.

(2) ‘I feel like I don’t count,’ says man with MND. Disabled people ‘forgotten’ by government strategy.

(3) This already feels a harder label to claim with the ableism within the environmental movements and the wilderness ideal excluding disabled people

Staying home, some tips

I have spent a lot of time unable to leave my house in the past, and none of those periods have had a known end date. This means dealing with isolation, cabin fever and no idea when it will end, something a lot of people are facing right now. So I wanted to share some of my learnings…

First, if you are used to working outside the home, think about what work does for you. Yes you get paid but you also get to interact with people, leave the house, use your brain, be creative, problem solve and work adds to your self esteem and sense of worth. For me, this has translated as five things I aim to do each week:

  • Something creative – art, craft, writing…
  • Something that uses my brain – a crossword, scrabble, reading, learning…
  • Talking to someone who is not a carer – ideally this would be in person but there are times when this might be a phone call, a skype call, an email or some other virtual way
  • Checking in with my emotions – maybe doing tarot, journaling or whatever works for you. Expect to have complicated feelings that don’t necessarily make sense. Make space for emotions.
  • Finally getting outside the house. This is clearly not an easy one to meet right now. However, you can go into your garden if you are lucky enough to have one. If you don’t, you can open your windows to let some air and bird song in. I’ve also written about ways of connecting with nature when you are stuck in the house.

A few other things that might be useful to note include:

  • Allow space and time for emotional exhaustion
  • Expect to spend more on utilities during this time. You won’t be using work gas, electric and water and that will add up.
  • Keep to at least a loose routine, especially during week days.
  • Get dressed. Yes you can have a few pj days, but make the effort most days. You will feel better for it.
  • It’s ok to laugh. Gallows humour is a way of coping with difficult circumstance.

Then comes the question of how you are going to pass the time…

  • Online contact
  • Online learning
  • Reading
    • Don’t set yourself up to read all of War and Peace. Be realistic about how your energy levels and concentration are being affected. All books are valuable and you can read children’s books and young adult fiction even if you are in your 90s.
  • TV
    • All of Criminal Minds is on Prime, that’s a lot of episodes!
    • Comedy series’ on Prime – Modern Family, Life in Pieces, The Middle
    • Documentaries on Netflix – The Pharmacist, The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez, explained, 60 days in,
    • Fun viewing on Netflix – You Me Her, Clueless, One day at a time, Grace and Frankie
    • Please share your own recommendations for films, tv and books below!
  • Think about all those hobbies you always say you’d like to try, now is the time. Take up knitting or paint by numbers or cooking. Whatever it is, you will find a tutorial out there.
  • Write yourself an isolation bucket list – film nights, skype coffee, cleaning out that cupboard you never get to…

BUT also prepare not to do all these things. All the news and uncertainty takes an emotional toll on people, and makes us feel tired even if we aren’t doing much. Think about small, bite sized activities and intersperse them with rewards such as lunch, a cup of tea or an episode of your current go to tv show.

These are strange times and if you aren’t used to being stuck at home, it’s likely to feel very constricting but I thank you so much for doing what you are doing. By staying home, you are helping to reduce the spread of coronavirus and keep those of us who are vulnerable safer.

Other related posts
FOMO and chronic illness
Goals, aims and ambitions when you’re retired/ill