A year on

WordPress has just kindly pointed out that this blog has been around for a year.

My first post included a poem I had written based on my tweets which makes for interesting reflection.  The blog was started primarily as a way of getting back into writing but also because I was sinking further into a hellish pit of depression and destructive coping mechanisms.  My eating disorder was starting to take hold and I had done a good job of self silencing.  I had attempted to seek help from my GP and through work and hadn’t been successful.

Written last year:

Elusive words

Choke
(Bindweed)

Metaphors
Stuck
In the dark

Peaceful/painful silence
(Delete as applicable)

Battle ready
(Battle vulnerable?)

Overstep
Reclaim

By a strange coincidence I wrote another poem based on my tweets today:

pretence at sanity guides through
disturbed moments
a reminder of lost feelings
sharing imaginings of gifts

fight back with uncomfortable defiance

A year on and I’ve managed to speak and I’ve finally managed to get some help.  It’s a huge relief but in order to recover I know I have to struggle back through the hell of depression.  Anorexia has numbed me and eating releases the feelings but anorexia is not sustainable.  I face the depression or I die.  They are my choices.  I choose to face it.

I don’t want to be sitting here, wasting my life to anorexia, when wordpress tells me it’s been two years.

Remaining within the comfort zone

People tend to talk about the comfort zone as something you should be aiming to leave.  I disagree.  Sometimes you need that space.  So in that vein, I have more twitter poetry:

Emergency scribbles
Discover ideas
Recover feelings

Days spent hunting
Dreams in the sea
Poems in a notebook
Acceptance in woodlands

A full time poet

I do have plans to stop stealing other people’s tweets, just not today.  Maybe tomorrow I will feel around the edge of my comfort zone.

Wearing words from others

I am wearing words from others
I am weaving them into myself

An amazingly talented friend of mine @HopeGraceFury frequently inspires me.  She writes beautiful, moving tweets which I used to create this:

Battle warrior
Hero of ancient Greek myth
Epic daily fight
For Utopian dream

Astonishingly jubilant
Soul dead
Brain dead

Spin the coin till
Two sides blur

Handwritten letters
Show all calling points.
Evidence. 

The purpose of this blog is to document my writing, to make it something I do consciously and to keep me grounded.  Writing using other people’s words is a very good way of doing this.  However, alongside this conscious attempt I am struggling with words and phrases passing through me, uninvited.  I’m torn.  This means that I am slowly unlocking the part of me which writes.  But it is happening without my control and that, for me, is very dangerous.  It also defeats the point of doing this.

A gentle start (or, how twitter is helping me write poems)

To understand why I am unlocking words, and why I have created this blog, requires a back story which may be a little intense for a first post.  So instead let me tell you about the technique I am using at the moment.  I am currently reading poemcrazy, recommended to me by a very good friend who is also incredibly creative and a beautiful writer.  I am only a few chapters in (I am trying to read slowly and with care rather than my normal style of devouring words in a frenzy) but Susan’s approach so far seems to be that words are already there, they are just waiting for us to play with them.

With that in mind, I am using twitter to create poems.  I have started by looking over my recent tweets and writing words and phrases that stand out in my notebook.  I then left this, unlooked at, for a day or so.  When I returned, I pieced them together to create the following.  I am repeating this process with the tweets of my friends (they don’t yet know this…).

Elusive words
Choke
(Bindweed)

Metaphors
Stuck
In the dark

Peaceful/painful silence
(Delete as applicable)

Battle ready
(Battle vulnerable?)

Overstep
Reclaim

#everybookof2013